ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
