her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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