I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
