he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize