she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Shame - the story of my life.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
