pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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