Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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