i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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