Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
As shirtless as possible
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
