anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
