Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
