you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
