If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
