I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
