No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
