Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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