thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
