areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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