I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize