Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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