We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
