So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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