My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
