I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
As shirtless as possible
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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