dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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