the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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