she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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