My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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