Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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