I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
