God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
