My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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