we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
