12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize