new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
