I'm gonna have a badass scar
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
