Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
