you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
They took my balls.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
