non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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