so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
