I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize