I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
