I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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