You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize