Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize