im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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