the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize