In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize