if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
