haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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