life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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