Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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