She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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