So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
