i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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