cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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