Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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