trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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