apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize